The Jar That Rolled Down The Rocky Hill

When I decided to make this blog I wanted to get a lot out in the open about myself and the way I see things. But I also wanted there to be some record out there, even if only in cyberspace of who I was, how I ended up where I did and maybe give someone reading an opportunity to THINK... not necessarily agree with what I say but to THINK. Today’s blog post is an exposition of sorts, a synopsis of my life and how it led me to where I am. And because I’ve discovered I have way too much to talk about this blog is probably going to be a weekly thing.

My experiences in life were sort of all over the map growing up. Through my early childhood... say up to 3rd grade... everything was fine for the most part. It was a time before most children learned to be cruel so things weren’t really that bad. My differences, interests and imagination only drew the ire of a few at first but up until mid high school I dealt with bullying and harassment with increasing frequency and severity as the years went on. 

At 15 I came out to my mom who was extremely supportive (and always has been) eventually I discovered a gay youth group and found friends like myself. I was empowered and my junior and senior years of high school were amazing because the bully's words lost their sting and I intimidated them with my new found self-confidence. I was moderately handsome... not so much "hot" but “pretty” enough to garner attention now and then. But even as early as 16 I had the dream of finding my soul mate and living happily ever after... but underneath that dream was a fear. I had this instinctive feeling that I had only a short time to find that "happily ever after". Maybe on some subconscious level I knew, as a gay man, that I had an "expiration date". I had to find my soul mate as soon as possible before... before I got old (old being over 30 *shakes head at self*). Sadly I failed to find him... hell I failed to have any relationship last more than a few months... what few there were. 

I was always "good" but never "good enough" it seemed. To be fair I also made my own share of mistakes as well so I can't in good conscience take a stance of "woe is me what did I do wrong?". My first real relationship was my most memorable because I had it all. I had everything I ever wanted... a boyfriend I loved and who I thought loved me... I had a budding DJ career filled with promise... and then, one day, it was all gone. My boyfriend decided he couldn't see himself spending his life with me. I was broken that day, broken in a way that I just didn't know how to fix. 

It wasn't really his fault. He was 19 and unlike me I don’t think he had really given much thought about his future and how a long term relationship fit into it. But I was very lucky. He broke up with me in exactly the best way possible. He was honest, he never cheated and though it hurt me in a way I had never before or since been hurt, it was the best possible way someone could have broken up with me. It took me months to pick myself up from that but I was never the same. I almost had it... almost had my dream and losing it created a "crack" in me that only grew as the years went by. 

Relationships failed or never got off the ground. A few years later a new love broke my heart anew. A career, that seemed ready to shoot for the stars, fizzled and died. I lost friends I thought I would have forever... at the time I thought because of their own shortcomings but with hindsight I see it was more likely my own that drove them away. And with each negative event, romance/career related or not, the cracks grew and I splintered and bits of me started spilling out like sand from a cracked jar. 

In my mind the real world has become this place that I could never measure up to, a place I couldn’t cope with managing. In my head it’s a place filled with people, situations and events all designed to cause me pain. I believe this so much today that going outside or being around many people actually causes me distress. It’s a condition called agoraphobia and it comes complete with a lifetime supply of anxiety and panic attacks. I limit my excursions outside my home as much as possible, once a month or less. I have friends who make a concerted effort to keep in contact with me just to make sure I’m ok. I am fortunate to have a thriving online social network of family and friends who keep me “in the world” so to speak. 

So where am I now? Now I spend each day trying to find whatever distraction I can to keep my mind from wandering to unpleasant places. I find the state of the world affects me greatly, probably more than it should, especially the plight of gay people like myself. I try to laugh as often as I can find reason and I treasure my friends who make it easy to laugh. There are still vestiges of who I was all those years ago when I feel I was at my best. There's kindness left in me, a concern for others and the will to offer a shoulder or advice to them when they need it. There's still some creativity left... in fact if anything of the old me has flourished it's my imagination. It's all I have left really. I retreat into imaginary worlds where things work out for me in a variety of ways that could never happen for me now.

When I think of my life it’s like I've lived on many islands over the years. Periodically the ocean has risen and my island would shrink slowly but surely. Eventually my island would be gone and I'd be left floundering in the water just trying to stay afloat. Fortunately I have always managed to swim to a new island... though the new island would always be smaller, have less, be less than the one before. And this cycle of flooding and swimming to a new island would keep continuing throughout my life. My most pressing fear these days is that I'll run out of islands... or the will to make it to the next. I've accepted that I am never going to have my dream... but I am thankful for the things I do have. My mom, my family, my friends, my home.

So now that the condensed version of my life story is out there for the world to see I want to explain why I posted this. I'm not looking for pity. The last thing I want is to make anyone sad. My greatest pleasure these days comes from making others laugh. But I did want those who know me to understand why I've changed from the person they remember and I want those who don't know me to have a sense of the person who is writing this blog. I promised this blog would be a mix of serious and silly and next week I'll keep that promise with a more light-hearted post.