Nic's Insights Into Making an RPG

Whether it's an MMO or a single player game, there are just some things I wish all developers would take in to account. Mind you this blog post is totally just my opinions on the subject and I have no formal expertise in the area, but I wanted to just put them out into cyberspace for the hell of it. In this day and age of both technological advancement and player expectations these are some things I'd like to highlight.

1 Character Customization: OPTIONS OPTIONS OPTIONS! A robust character creation and customization system is vital for any RPG. Players become more invested in a character that fits as closely to their imaginings as possible. If you're going to make an RPG make sure the player has plenty of options both at creation and later during play. Creation options should start with an attractive baseline with plenty of face and body sliders to tweak, a variety of textures for complexion and numerous hair style options that hopefully don't look like shiny plastic. Game play customization should include the ability to modify the appearance of gear preferably both in form and color so the player can create a look that truly exemplifies their character concept. Games that generally do this right include: City of Heroes, Aion, Neverwinter Nights

2. Voice Protagonist: Yay or Nay? Most likely nay. Why? Because unless you're going to invest in enough voice actors to provide 3 to 5 different voices for each gender for EVERY DIALOGUE option in the game that your protagonist can choose, then you run the risk of causing a disconnect between the player and their character by virtue of the voice just not sounding right with the appearance the player has chosen. Voice acting is expensive and paying multiple actors to do protagonist dialogues would probably break the budget allotted for the game. If a company could make such an investment I'd say go for it. Most RPG's are very story driven and involve numerous dialogue interactions between the player and various NPC's. Non voiced protagonists typically have a few voice options at creation simply for combat and interaction audio. Games that generally do this right include: Dragon Age: Origins, Aion, Neverwinter Nights

3. Reality in my fantasy. There's much leeway given for RPG's as far as ignoring certain elements of reality. More so if it's a game set in the fantasy genre. That said there's a need for some measure of reality to make the world live. Water should never be "out of bounds". It smacks of laziness and taking a cheap shortcut. If water isn't out of bounds then water needs to react to player input both with visual and audio responses and for the love of all creation please add swimming physics and animations. Even if nothing in your game hinges on underwater environments, nothing is more jarring than hitting an invisible wall because you reached the shore of a lake or if there are no barriers you simply walk under the surface of the water along the floor of the water body. Include weather too! A world that feels alive has varying stages of day/night and weather that changes. Games that generally do this right include: World of Warcraft, Rift, Elder Scrolls: Skyrim

4. Romance! While difficult to do properly in an MMO, many ground breaking single player games have done wonderful jobs with romance options. If you're going to include romances then a good romance should tell a smaller but engaging story of the player and their romantic interest within the greater story of the game. The romance should start subtly and grow at a natural pace through player interaction with the npc and the decisions the player makes throughout the game. Romances should also be broadly inclusive. While it may be unrealistic to some, people have varying tastes, and restricting romances to specific genders often leaves many unable to enjoy the option they would have preferred. MMO's don't often have NPC's that are with your character through the bulk of their story and indeed the story of an MMO is an ongoing thing. This makes developing a romance difficult (but not impossible as Star Wars: The Old Republic proves) in an MMO. That said I feel it is better to have a small selection of romance-able options rather than making any NPC a potential mate. The game Skyrim allows you to marry most NPC's you meet but has no real story development of a relationship. Games that generally do this right include: Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age 2, Baldur's Gate 2, Neverwinter Nights: Hordes of the Underdark

I know my selection of games is a bit limited in my examples but these are games I am intimately familiar with and offer (in varying degrees of success)  the things I outline above. Ultimately the ideal to have the player bond with their avatar in the game and to truly connect them to the world and environment. If you can do that then you've got a loyal customer, either as a subscriber to your MMO or a repeat purchaser of your expansions/DLC and future games.

Survival Is Insufficient

Survival is insufficient. This is a line of dialogue from an episode of Star Trek: Voyager. It’s a rather profound statement when you stop to think about it. There’s a saying I vaguely recall that relates to it, something about working to live or living to work. Today, in the United States, it seems more like people are living to work than working to live in my opinion. We struggle to pay the bills and get by, and at the end of the day we have no energy left to enjoy whatever little time is left before it starts all over again the next day. And while that is a decent example it’s probably not the most extreme.

I once told my mother, if I ever become so sick or injured that I can only survive with life support, to please pull the plug and just let me die. To me that wouldn’t be living, it would be surviving. Again I think of “survival is insufficient.” I believe that the quality of our lives must exceed a certain threshold so that we are “living” and not just “surviving.” From an outsider’s point of view my own life might not seem like it has a high quality but when I take a step back and look at the bigger picture, I can’t say I am just surviving. For all the quirks my own personal situation has, I can honestly still say I am living. Sadly not everyone can say that for themselves.

When our days are consumed by work, with no time to enjoy the fruits of that labor, and/or said fruits are barely enough to keep the lights on and food in the house, it really comes down to that whole working to live vs. living to work thing. I wish our society could advance faster to a higher standard of living for everyone. Not just the wealthy or the lucky or the sneaky.

One day I’d like to see our world really beyond where it is now, a society where people can do jobs they love and not just whatever pays enough, a society where everyone has shelter, clothes, food and most importantly time to enjoy it all.

"If you're spending more money than you're taking in, you need to spend less of it... or make more of it?

It's hard to escape chatter about the Debt Ceiling crisis these days. Especially so close to the deadline. I'd like to hope this is a wake up call to many Americans at just how off track our government has gone. I can't really say anything good about either side of the political fence. Both Dems and Reps seem to be dancing to the tune of corporate fiddlers. But what really gets me is how irresponsible the Republicans are acting. They are intent on ensuring that Obama is a one-term president, so intent in fact they are willing to throw us all under a bus to do it.

The Republicans in Congress continue to try to push bills that cut from vital social programs like social security and medicare while at the same time protecting their corporate buddies by extending tax breaks for the rich and not plugging tax loopholes. These are the same corporations who are sending much needed jobs overseas for cheap labor and are raking in record breaking profits while the middle class slowly erodes away. I have to wonder what happens to them when we're all dead from starvation or barely living in some slum with no money to spend on their goods. Will they turn on each other like cannibals once their current prey (us) have been rung out so hard we have nothing left for them to take? These Republicans know the bills they are putting forward won't pass the senate and then they blame the Democrats/president for not taking the deals and averting the "crisis" they themselves are manufacturing.

On the same token the Democrats aren't exactly saints. Both sides lie to the public but at least I like hearing the Democrat lies and they try every now and then to throw me a bone. Democrats are just as much corporate puppets as Republicans but at least make some passing effort at trying to keep the sheep (us middle class people) healthy so the corporations can keep milking us. I can't fault the Democrats for not accepting the "plans" the Republicans have put forward. I can however fault the Republicans for not knowing that compromise means BOTH sides give a little.

House Speaker Boehner said "If you're spending more money than you're taking in, you need to spend less of it," and while I can agree with that statement I'd also add an addendum to it. "If you're spending more money than you're taking in, you need to spend less of it and/or make more of it". This is what really bugs me about Republicans. They want to ONLY slash spending and do nothing about increasing revenue. Revenue doesn't always have to include taxes but if the big corporations and wealthy 2% of the country were actually paying their fair share we would have a surplus like we did during Clinton's administration before the Bush Tax Cuts screwed us over. And of course President Obama is the one who is the target of the blame.

I feel a little bad for him. I didn't particularly find him to be a great candidate. I was hoping Hillary would have run and won. I have a feeling if she had everything would be different and possibly better but that could just be wishful thinking on my part. Then again she may have realized what a bumpy ride this administration was going to become and took the smart way out he he. One day I hope our government will get their heads out of their asses and start working TOGETHER to make things better for EVERYONE.

The United States of... Sodom?

Last week I just didn’t have anything to talk about… but this week I want to talk about how republicans are trying to strip out entitlement and assistance programs while at the same time padding their own pockets and denying U.S. citizens jobs and how this is sort of reminiscent of a bible story used to condemn gays! Some parts of this blog post will be paraphrasing from an article I read so bear with me if some of it sounds familiar!

A lot of people think that the story of Sodom being destroyed by god is about gay people… well let’s take a closer look at that story. Some people say the city of Sodom was destroyed because it was overrun by sexually obsessed homosexuals. In fact, the city of Sodom had been doomed to destruction long before. So what is this passage really about? Ezekiel 16:48-49 tell us: "This is the sin of Sodom; she and her suburbs had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not help or encourage the poor and needy. They were arrogant and this was abominable in God's eyes." Funny, this reminds me of republicans trying to continue to allow rich corporations to evade hefty taxes while they ship jobs overseas instead of employing the very country that is making them so wealthy. On top of that they are trying to take away social security and medicare. Did you know I’d probably go hungry and/or become terribly ill and possibly even die without those systems in place? Thanks for trying to kill me.

What’s really interesting is that republicans are usually the party associated with the religious right and “being a good Christian” but I think they conveniently forget that we break God's heart when we spend all we earn on ourselves, when we forget the poor and hungry, when we refuse to do justice or show mercy, when we leave strangers at the gate. These are the people that call me a Sodomite for being gay, but real Sodomites are rich and don't share what they have with the poor. Sodomites have plenty and want more. While millions are hungry, homeless, and sick, Sodomites rush to build bigger homes, buy bigger cars, and own more property -- putting their trust in safer stock portfolios and more secure retirement accounts. That sure sounds like republicans to me. “Let’s cut off any assistance to the needy!” and “Why should I have to pay for someone else’s medicine or housing?”.

While I am not very religious these days I was taught that God has called us do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our Creator. In the story, Sodom was destroyed because its people didn't take God seriously about caring for the poor, the hungry, the homeless, or the outcast. Kind of sounds like what’s happening in our government as we strip away those assistance programs and continue to allow the rich to get richer and the poor to get poorer. Hell even some of those bottom level rich people are feeling the pinch and falling into middle class income territory while the tippy top of the biggest pyramid scheme in the world try to fight and stay where they are. But in regards to the story of Sodom, it was common in the times of Sodom for soldiers, thieves, and bullies to rape a fallen enemy, asserting their victory by dehumanizing and demeaning the vanquished. This act of raping an enemy is about power and revenge, not about homosexuality or homosexual orientation. I can say assuredly that as a gay man I find the idea of assaulting and/or raping anyone as abhorrent as any straight person does and most certainly wouldn’t want such an act committed upon my person. The sad thing is acts like this still occur in modern times.

In August 1997, Abner Louima, a young black immigrant from Haiti, was assaulted by several police officers after he was arrested in Brooklyn. Officer Charles Schwarz held Louima down in a restroom at the precinct, while Officer Justin Volpe rammed a broken stick into Louima's rectum. These two men and the three other officers involved in this incident and its cover-up were not gay. This was not a homosexual act. It was about power. The sexual act that occurs in the story of Sodom is a gang rape -- and homosexuals oppose gang rape as much as anyone.

I wonder if republicans are willing to take a look at the parallels they share with Sodom and its people and I wonder if they can see where our country will head if they continue following the destructive course they seem to be. They continue “raping” the land of natural resources without any regard of the consequences, ensuring the rich avoid high taxes, allowing their corporate buddies a free pass to ship much needed jobs out of our country and all the while try to claim some sort of moral superiority. It's kind of scary to see how similar Sodom's story and ours are today.

The Universal Language

As anyone who has known me for awhile can tell you, I have a deep love of music. I originally planned to have my career center around producing remixes for popular artists and lend my own vision to their work. If you ever visit my youtube channel you can listen to some of that work. Back in my 2^nd blog post I talked about how my brain sort of broke and how I went from one place to another in my life and one of the consequences of that journey was the hamstringing of my creativity.

Years ago I’d remix everything and anything under the sun. Virtually every new song to come out had potential to me to be transformed into an expression of my own feelings. As time went on I lost more and more of whatever that magic was that inspired me. That said I look back fondly on that time in my life and I smile when I listen to my old works. Art, in any form, whether it be music, painting, etc, always seems to touch people regardless of barriers like language, ethnicity or age. Obviously not everything appeals to everyone since we are all different, but at its core the various art forms of the world can improve us, broaden us and speak to us on a multitude of levels. I think most people can, at the very least, think of an artist whose music they’ve enjoyed and followed through many years.

Today I find great concern in the fact that our art and music educational programs often seem to be the first targets for budget cuts. Young people are losing quality education in the arts, something that could enrich their lives and inspire them to pursue artistic endeavors. I also see the music industry being transformed more and more into just another factory for mass production and selling to a public that has limited education and experience in truly appreciating fine art. Or perhaps I’m just starting to show my age? I am sure every adult at some point has realized the time of music they loved has passed and a new generation has risen along with a new style of music that they simply can’t connect with. My time was the 90’s and early 2000’s. Today I find only a few things I can connect with and perhaps that colors my views. I just feel the music industry today runs things too much like a business churning out flimsy products en masse and has lost that “heart”, that artistic soul, that goes hand in hand with creating music and sharing it with the world.

It’s not all doom and gloom mind you. There’s still a few artists even today that manage to spark those old feelings of creativity and emotion, but they are much fewer and far between. I believe part of that is the lack of quality arts education that young people have access to these days. For that matter even academic education seems lacking but that’s a topic for another blog entirely. All in all I urge anyone reading to really pay attention to what’s going on in your community regarding arts programs in education. Don’t let the “corner cutters” remove or even shortchange art and music from your family’s lives. Artistic expression is just as important, if not more so, as making money.

For The People, By The People, And Maybe Me Too!

“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”

These are the very first words of the U.S. Constitution.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

This is probably the most memorable line from the U.S. Declaration of Independence.

This was originally going to be a more ranty negative toned blog but last night the New York Senate showed me that at least some people in government positions believe those passages apply to me too. I honestly wasn’t expecting it, but they actually made it legal for me to get married in New York.  This historic vote will actually double the number of people in the entire United States living in states with marriage equality. Last night a friend said he thought I had an even lower opinion of humanity than he did. I told him it wasn’t like that. I told him I have such an idealized notion of how GREAT humanity can be… but they always let me down and disappoint me. But not this time! This time they got something right! And yes that's the empire state building lit up like a rainbow last night to commemorate this moment in time.                                    

Every day I see political parties and religious fanatics playing volley ball with our lives, and make no mistake they are really playing with ALL OUR LIVES like toys. I always thought our government, both political parties, was supposed to work together to make our lives better. Instead what I usually see is a back and forth battle between two parties with religious nut jobs sticking their nose in and wasting tons of time and money and getting very little done. It’s a shame that it is even a question of whether or not everyone, regardless of difference, should be treated equally. I hope I can continue to see more and more states realize that it’s wrong to discriminate against any citizen of our country. It just baffles me that anyone who purports to work “for the people” would ever actively work to limit my rights? Am I not “the people” too? Do my tax dollars somehow have less value than other citizens? Why do they take from me just to appease the other guy? He loses nothing by me having equal rights and all he gains by me not having them is a sense of superiority. Thankfully the New York Senate had enough fair minded individuals to let justice actually shine. At least I am counted as “the people” to some folks in government and this makes me happy.

I understand that many religious people interpret their bible to say I am somehow evil or some nonsense but the fact of the matter is that this is a nation of mixed ethnicity, religion and orientation. I urge anyone who has difficulties reconciling their religious beliefs with their desire to accept those different from themselves to READ THIS and maybe be a little more educated about what the bible is REALLY talking about. You can also visit this site and see what other people who have come to terms with their religion and homosexuality have to say. That said, no matter what the bible says or doesn’t say it should not have a place in determining my rights as a citizen of this country. Not everyone is a Christian, not everyone believes the same things, and because of that the government has a responsibility to protect me and my “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness” even if they personally don’t approve of me. New York is now the 6^th state in our country that agrees.

For those of you reading, especially my religious friends and family members, keep in mind how you vote. It affects me personally. Please don’t support any political figure (Republican or Democrat) who actively or passively works to deny me (or any other minority for that matter) equal treatment under the law or deny me rights because I am different. The world is a hard enough place as it is without any of us actively trying to make it worse for others. Those of you who know me know I am a good person, a friend, a cousin, a nephew, someone you grew up with. There are more “me’s” out there, someone's family member or friend, whose lives are affected by your decisions. Please think about that the next time you vote. You don’t have to like me or approve of me… but please respect me as a citizen of this country and as a human being. Please don’t vote to take away my right to “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

A Person Is Judged By The Company They Keep

So I wanted this week’s blog to be about people. Specifically, the people who have had an impact on my life in great and small ways. I’ve met many people over the years. Some were acquaintances or friends of friends while others are still a part of my life today. Looking back at the list I’d have to say I’ve met a variety of interesting people and each of them has had a part to play in shaping who I am. Obviously I can’t go on about every single person who has touched my life or else this would end up being a novel length blog post but I wanted to highlight at least a few.

It seems the first place to begin would be with family. I’ve been blessed with a very close and loving family and my mother holds the top honor among all the people who have shaped my life. She’s the one who has been my foundation and supported me through everything that has ever happened in my life. I’ve always admired her unstoppable drive and limitless love she has always shown me. She’s the example I could only hope to come to close to living up to. My mom has always been responsible and has an incredible work ethic. On the flip side she’s shown compassion, understanding and flexibility in dealing with situations which is probably the main reason my life has been as good as it has been. Backing my mother up are her brother and sister, my Uncle Mike and Aunt Gail, and their families, who have played a huge role in my life both directly through my experiences with them and the things they have taught me but also indirectly by being supportive of my mother throughout our lives.

I was lucky. Not a single person in my family has ever had anything disparaging to say about me being gay. If anyone had a problem with it they never let it show and never let it stop them from loving me and supporting me. That’s a gift not all gay people are fortunate enough to have and I am thankful every day for it. I feel confident that anyone in my family would be there to help me if I was in need and they had the means to do something. That kind of security that my family provides helps make each day a little less scary. Knowing that this group of loving, caring people have my back is probably the main thing that has kept me somewhat together over the years.

Moving on to the friends, there have been many over the years. Some closer than others, but all of them appreciated. The three R’s are the first that come to mind for me. Ree, Rick and Ron. Ree is like my soul mate. If I were a straight guy and she were a straight girl I think we’d have been an amazing couple personality-wise. With Ree words are optional. She and I could always just look at each other and have a conversation or laugh about something without a word between us and yet we both knew what was going on. I’ve never had a connection with anyone like that and no matter how many years or miles separate us she’ll always be special to me. Rick was the source of laughter, a commodity I desperately needed through the tough times. He had such a great sense of humor and was so responsible and irresponsible at the same time it made him very endearing. Unfortunately, our friendship hit a rough patch several years ago, and it isn’t as strong as it once was. Still, I count him as a friend and I wouldn’t trade any moment we shared for anything. Finally there’s Ron. Ron was like this piece I didn’t know was missing in my relationship with Ree. The three of us just seemed to “enhance” each other somehow. I told Ron I loved him the day I met him. Not “in love” just “love”. I don’t know how I knew… but I just knew that this person I had just met was going to be a friend for a long time. And to this day even though miles and years are between us, we still talk and I still value him as a true friend.

Not to be outshone, going back before the three R’s there were my childhood friends. Tony, Jamard, Jason, Landy, Sharika and Geran. To say they were just my old D&D buddies would be a disservice. These were people who shaped me during some of my most formative years. They are people I laughed with, cried with, and learned several valuable lessons about life. Tony was the first. A childhood friend whose mom was friends with my mom and who I am proud to say turned out to be a great adult, husband and father. Through Tony I met the others. Jason who introduced me to anime (yea HE’s the one who exposed me to Legend of the Overfiend :P) , Jamard, who keeps tabs on me to make sure I’m still a part of the world, Landy, who always appreciated my music, Sharika, Landy’s partner in crime he he, and the ever lovable and handsome Geran. This core little group provided me my very first social network as a child and young adult. They were people who accepted me eccentricities and all.

Moving to the present my social network is maintained by the internet due to my health issues. Through online gaming I’ve met some extraordinary people that I definitely consider friends. These are people who’ve made me laugh, listened to me lament the negatives in my life, and generally supported me despite my weirdness. There’s Miru, who reminds me very much of Rick. He makes me laugh constantly with his unique type of humor. He’s a source of joy in my life that I am very grateful for. There’s Nemo who prefer to remain mysterious. He doesn’t let us know much about him in the real world but I instinctively trust him. He’s intelligent and always makes you think when you ask him a question. I’d like to know more about him but he prefers his anonymity. Then we have Renee’ who is both witty and funny and it turns out has more in common with me than I originally thought :P . And last but not least Fea who takes the time to put together fun things for us to do and adds to the joviality of our gaming sessions. My gaming friends make up the bulk of my socializing these days and I glad to have them. While not a friend I made gaming, but someone I share my gaming with, I have Joseph who, like Jamard, is someone who keeps me connected to the rest of the world and appreciates me weirdness and all.

There’s been tons of other people I haven’t mentioned who have had tremendous impact on my life but as I said in the beginning I just can’t list them all and talk about each of them. Suffice it to say I’d like to think that every single one of them has touched my life in a significant way and I think for the most part I met and befriended some high quality people over my years. It’s these friends that give me hope for the world. These are the people I am hoping there are more of out there so that one day the world is filled with good, funny, caring people like them.

The Only Choice I Ever Had...

So recently I was reading an article that just really shocked me. Hate groups like the American Family Association,  Focus on The Family, Family Research Council (I’m seeing a theme here… Don’t let the names fool you. There’s nothing “family” oriented about these people.), still propagate the myth that being gay is a choice, that children are somehow recruited to be gay, and that sexual orientation can be changed. As ludicrous as all that sounds there are still people out there who honestly believe this nonsense. What’s worse these people have the audacity to try and tell me that I don’t know what I am talking about even though I am the one who has lived my life and these are my feelings.

Let’s just clear the air here. First and foremost, at no point in my childhood was I ever “recruited” or “indoctrinated” into any “lifestyle”.  I didn’t even have a proper definition of “homosexual” till I came out. Here’s a little story. When I was growing up I was pretty sheltered. I didn’t really encounter the words “gay” or “homosexual” until I was in my teens and even then my understanding of the words was so vague I didn’t really think they applied to me. I was under the impression that a homosexual was a guy that wanted to be a girl and I knew that wasn’t me. I was, and still am, quite happy being male thank you very much.  I remember though that I never really had a physical or emotional attraction to girls. In fact I liked some of the same things they did… which ended up including boys when I was around 14-15.  

There were people in my family that knew I was gay before I did. My mom, my god mother, some family friends… Of course no one said anything till I came out. Does that sound like “indoctrination” or “recruitment” to you? These hate groups would have society believe that “because homosexuals cannot reproduce they must recruit to swell their ranks” like we’re some sort of military group or something. They refuse to even entertain the idea that sexual orientation is biologically determined because that basic truth completely pulls the foundation for their hate out from under them. Not that it’s a solid foundation to begin with. I mean just because I am different than you that means you have the right to make my life miserable? To waste time and money working to ensure I am not treated equally by the law and society? Yea that’s some “family values” right there. Instead of spending that manpower and money on feeding the hungry, helping the homeless and ensuring people who need medical care have it, they instead use those resources to make sure I can’t get married, that bullies can continue to make the lives of folks like me so miserable we contemplate suicide. You know it’s funny… these same people are anti-abortion, but they feel no complicity in the suicide of the very children they fought to save at birth once it turns out they are gay. Personally I feel every single one of these people is a murderer and has the blood of every gay teen who has ever committed suicide on their hands. If not for their continuous barrage of lies, propaganda and bigotry those kids wouldn’t have felt so without hope that they had no way out but to kill themselves.

The whole notion that gay people are “recruited” is a joke. Recruited how? I didn’t get a free toaster the first time I kissed a boy. I don’t have a Costco lifetime membership because I’m gay. Where’s the incentive? Oh that’s right… the incentive is I get to be treated like I’m less than human, I get to have my home vandalized and burned to the ground, I get to have a childhood/young adulthood filled with emotional trauma that lead to my suicide. I've gotten recruitment pitches from Catholics, republicans, democrats, Jehovah's Witnesses, and the army; but never from gay people. These people who are so terribly afraid of us just can’t wrap their head around the fact that me being gay isn’t just about sex! Me being gay is about how my brain is wired. The typical straight guy past puberty is going to be excited by boobs. I’m just not. All the boobs in the world aren’t going to get me excited I’m sorry! But seeing a handsome man? Maybe with some nice abs and biceps? Yea that will make me smile. But it goes deeper than that. I cannot form a romantic emotional bond with a female. I am simply not designed to do that. I can’t fall in love with a girl. Those religious right wing nut jobs will tell you otherwise but they aren’t me. They don’t feel what I feel. Only I know how I feel. Only I have the right to speak on what is and isn’t about me.

When I was a young teen I noticed boys much the same way the young teen girls did. I also knew I wasn’t like other guys who were noticing girls at that age. I didn’t make a point of announcing it to anyone but because I was quiet and not into “cool” things I got bullied and called gay and homo and what not. It wasn’t until I was 16 when I had a discussion with a friend of my god mother’s and he asked me “So when did you know you were gay?” did I realize that was what I was. My reply to him incidentally was “Uh… just recently actually”. Recently as in that very moment! And as I explored this strange new world I found friends like myself, people who went through what I was going through. Not once did I ever see anything remotely resembling “recruitment”. At 17 I came out in my senior year of High School. I rode the high of empowerment I had because the bullies’ words didn’t hurt me anymore. When someone called me a “fag” I replied “Yea? And?”. I embraced who I was instead of hiding it or being ashamed of it. I became a healthier person because of it. If other gay kids weren’t harassed for being who they are then maybe they’d stop killing themselves in a desperate attempt to escape the horror they are going through every day at the hands of the so-called “good family value instilling religious nut jobs.”

So in closing, the only choice I ever had, that any gay person ever has, is whether or not to be honest with myself and those around me. My mother always taught me that honesty was the best policy. What do you know Mom was right again! If any of you reading this ever had any confusion or doubt over this issue take it from me a genuine homo, there’s no recruitment, there’s no incentive, and I guarantee you that if they ever determine the exact biological causes of homosexuality, the right wing nut jobs will be scrambling to find a way to “fix” us and change us to make us like them. But you know what? I don’t want to be like them. To me they are a sickness, a disease, the very cause of ruin in our nation. Not because they are straight, I have tons of really awesome straight friends, but because they are so filled with hate for anyone who doesn’t conform to what THEY think is the right way to be. I hope any of you who read this will never be like those people. You don’t have to like me or what I do… but please respect me as a fellow human being and respect my right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. My only choice is whether or not to lie to you. I choose to tell you the truth.

Jem, Xena, Sailor Moon and Everything In Between!

Well a friend of mine said the last blog wasn’t as light hearted as they expected and that I owed something a little more upbeat. To live up to that this week’s blog is about many of the things (toys, cartoons, etc) I enjoyed over the years from childhood to now! And please bear with me. There’s going to be a lot of “no wonder you’re gay!” moments here.

Being a child of the 80’s was a lucky thing in my opinion. The 80’s had such fun stuff, both toys and cartoons. I think the very first memorable toy I can recall was Pink N’ Pretty Barbie. It belonged to a childhood friend of mine but I always wanted to play with it. Though I wasn’t always about girl toys when I was little. There was a time I was into Star Wars and I had a Millennium Falcon which for some reason I would play with in the bath… needless to say this sort of treatment didn’t make for a lasting Star Wars collection. I am sure it’s no surprise though that my favorite Star Wars figure was Princess Leia. Then there was the Transformers era. I think my favorite was Optimus Prime cause his trailer turned into this neat lil weapons platform thing. After that began the whole Masters of the Universe phase. My mother can tell you how many Castle Greyskulls she bought me over the years to replace previous ones that fell apart due to wear and tear. I mean I took these things outside, dirt got in ‘em, they got banged around when being carried places, you name it. Of course the homo-tendencies showed up again with She-Ra! And yes I had the Crystal Castle too…

In my early teens I discovered Dungeons & Dragons which really was a great game to play socially. I always looked forward to the weekend overnight gaming sessions with snacks and jokes and just generally good times. I’m still close with my gaming buddies to this day! My all time favorite character was Kyriani a half-elven mage. I’ve gone by the name Kyriani in online circles ever since and in most video games I’ve played she’s appeared in some incarnation. Of course that was also the era of Nintendo! For me it was this amazing thing to have a video game console in your home. Kids today probably don’t appreciate just how much they have today compared to back then. Games of that era that stand out were Dragon Warrior, Final Fantasy and the obligatory Super Mario Brothers games.

Toys aside, there were also awesome shows one of the most notable being Jem and the Holograms! To this day I still listen to music from the show. Of course now it’s as mp3’s on my computer and not cassette tapes. I was heartbroken in 1988 when the show went off the air and I still have every episode on dvd. I also have a Glitter N’ Gold Jem doll still in the original packaging in storage. A little piece of the past I’ve held on to. He-Man and She-Ra also monopolized much of my TV watching during those days. Though watching those shows now I kind of cringe at how cliché and simplistic the dialogue could be at times lol. As I got older and drifted away from my previous interests others soon filled the gaps. Shows like The Nanny and Xena Warrior Princess became the new hotness for me. The Nanny was really the perfect show for me back then. She was always looking for love and didn’t manage to catch it till the end of the series. Then with Xena, which always makes me think of my friend Ree, you had that unspoken, teasing lesbian romance between Gabrielle and Xena which was just fun to watch.

I think around when I was 20 or so is when I discovered Sailor Moon. As funny as it may sound that was a transformative discovery for me and I still hold the show in fond regard. It all happened after a really bad night out. I don’t remember the details to be honest but I remember I was upset about something that had happened. I couldn’t sleep when I got home that night I was just sobbing. Then 6am rolled around and I turned on the TV and there was this blonde girl with long pig tails making me laugh my ass off! As horrible as I was feeling, Sailor Moon made me feel better and thus I threw myself head first into the show and merchandise. I even got other friends into it. I had t-shirts, toys, I even had an imported backpack which is still in my closet. Sailor Moon was always a “feel good” show for me to watch. I related very much with the main character Serena. Sailor Moon was another girl trying to find love and having a hard time of it which is why I probably relate… that and she had a big sweet tooth and was often whiny.

Today my entertainment consists of online games like World of Warcraft and City of Heroes which, considering my condition, give me a social outlet to engage in and keep contact with friends. Offline games I’ve found to be wonderful entertainment include Dragon Age, Dragon Age 2 and the remake of Final Fantasy IV for the Nintendo DS. I haven’t had much luck with tv shows though. They keep canceling the ones I like after 1 or 2 seasons! But ones that are still going include: Glee, Fringe, Bones, True Blood, Vampire Diaries, Being Erica, Being Human, Haven, and probably a few others I can’t think of currently. So that’s this weeks blog and now you know a little bit about the things I’ve been interested in over the years!

Be The Change You Want To See In The World

So yea… the title of this blog post isn’t anywhere near original but it makes for a great overview of this week’s topic. Among the many things I occupy my time with, one thing I enjoy very much is seeing people build for a better future. Solar and wind power, rain collection, composting or incinerating toilets… yea I sound like a hippy eh? But if you really stop to think about it, we have the power to change the world. Is it easy to do? No of course not, but if more people made the effort we’d be in a better place.

One of the big topics for years has been our reliance on oil. The thing is… we don’t need it really. With electric cars becoming more and more accessible and affordable, oil companies are dinosaurs on their last legs in my opinion. If it were me running those oil companies I’d be making ready to get out of the oil business and in to the renewable resource business because like it or not that is where we are heading. Eventually we won’t have gas stations, we’ll have charging stations. Natural resources like oil and natural gas just can’t and shouldn’t be relied on anymore.

Another thing that bugs me is that whole antiquated notion of “bigger is better”. In fact I believe the opposite is true. I’d rather have a small high quality home built to my taste than some massive Mc Mansion clone. It’s just extra space I’d have to clean and probably wouldn’t use much of. Did you know big companies lobbied to make sure we pay more than we have to for a home? The following is an excerpt from an article I read on the Tumbleweed Tiny House Company website on just that! 

“Laws dictating how small our homes can be were introduced back in the 70’s and 80’s by lobbyists from the housing industry. It had become clear that, as the number of houses being sold by the industry leveled off, fiscal growth would remain possible only so long as the size of their product was increased. Size restrictions were thus written into building code at the federal level and adopted by municipalities throughout the US. Banks quickly followed suit by providing loans only for houses large enough to warrant the cost of the land on which they would sit. Local zoning, in turn, ensured exorbitant land costs by generally demanding that each little house sit on a parcel no smaller than one required for a large structure. It is now literally illegal to build a new small home in most populated areas of the United States. And, even if it weren’t, financing the construction of such a dwelling would still be all but impossible.”

Now tell me that isn’t a kick in the pants? You’re basically forced to pay for more house and/or land than you need just to pad the pockets of someone else. And people wonder why the housing industry went belly up. In any case, as I mentioned it before, the Tumbleweed Tiny House Company is this great company that makes tiny houses on trailers. That lets them sidestep all the bullshit laws we are currently governed by. Not only are these houses adorable, but they are environmentally friendly! Speaking of environmentally friendly… This is my dream house, the Zero House. The Zero House is an amazing structure that has 650 sq.ft. net usable interior area. 250 sq.ft. covered exterior decks and costs roughly $350,000. Now most people will tell you it’s not worth that price due to the square footage. RUBBISH I say! The Zero House is completely self contained and provides all its own utilities! Solar panels provide enough power that when fully charged you could go up to a week with no sunlight at all and it has its own cistern to collect rain water to filter and provide to the home. It even has a composting system for the toilet that only needs to be emptied once every 6 months. You would never have to pay for electricity, water or sewer ever again! I firmly believe ALL homes should be built to this standard! Check it out!

Some people have even taken plans bought from the Tumbleweed Tiny House Company and built it themselves from mostly recycled materials providing a home for themselves at a fraction of the cost of most homes today. And if you visit the site and see these homes you might say “I couldn’t live in something that small”. But you know what? It’s not about that. It’s about living in the space you need. Do you NEED to have all these rooms in your house when you probably spend most of your time in like two of those rooms? I know for me I spend the majority of my time in my bedroom. The bathroom and kitchen are the next most visited. I am almost NEVER in my living room or the front office in my current house but I still have to vacuum them sadly.

While the whole tiny house thing might be too tiny for most people, I firmly believe there are a lot of great ideas that could be adopted from them. Solar panels should be part of standard construction of EVERY home.  Cisterns to handle your own water needs, not only saves on the cost of infrastructure, but it also saves you the owner money on a water bill. The whole composting thing? Well I am fairly sure most folk wouldn’t want to deal with that even twice a year but that’s an opportunity for a whole new business to arise for waste removal instead of tearing up land for sewer lines. Not every one of these ideas might be palatable but looking at the innovations of tiny and eco-friendly homes and adapting them to the mainstream will lead us to a brighter healthier future for our planet.

So in closing… if you’re tired of big corporations taking advantage of you… if you’re tired of being squeezed of every last penny… if you want a healthier and happier life… just take the time to look around and really see what you can do about it. Is it time to replace your old car? Consider investing in an electric car! You can charge it at home for a FRACTION of the cost. Hell you can make running your car FREE! If you have the capital to invest look into installing some solar panels into your home! Some people who have does this get a CHECK from their electric company instead of a bill cause they are feeding power INTO the lines instead of using it. Investigate what it would take to install a cistern and water filtration system into your home. If it’s cost effective for your budget to make these changes you just ELIMINATED some utility bills and car fuel bills forever.

The Jar That Rolled Down The Rocky Hill

When I decided to make this blog I wanted to get a lot out in the open about myself and the way I see things. But I also wanted there to be some record out there, even if only in cyberspace of who I was, how I ended up where I did and maybe give someone reading an opportunity to THINK... not necessarily agree with what I say but to THINK. Today’s blog post is an exposition of sorts, a synopsis of my life and how it led me to where I am. And because I’ve discovered I have way too much to talk about this blog is probably going to be a weekly thing.

My experiences in life were sort of all over the map growing up. Through my early childhood... say up to 3rd grade... everything was fine for the most part. It was a time before most children learned to be cruel so things weren’t really that bad. My differences, interests and imagination only drew the ire of a few at first but up until mid high school I dealt with bullying and harassment with increasing frequency and severity as the years went on. 

At 15 I came out to my mom who was extremely supportive (and always has been) eventually I discovered a gay youth group and found friends like myself. I was empowered and my junior and senior years of high school were amazing because the bully's words lost their sting and I intimidated them with my new found self-confidence. I was moderately handsome... not so much "hot" but “pretty” enough to garner attention now and then. But even as early as 16 I had the dream of finding my soul mate and living happily ever after... but underneath that dream was a fear. I had this instinctive feeling that I had only a short time to find that "happily ever after". Maybe on some subconscious level I knew, as a gay man, that I had an "expiration date". I had to find my soul mate as soon as possible before... before I got old (old being over 30 *shakes head at self*). Sadly I failed to find him... hell I failed to have any relationship last more than a few months... what few there were. 

I was always "good" but never "good enough" it seemed. To be fair I also made my own share of mistakes as well so I can't in good conscience take a stance of "woe is me what did I do wrong?". My first real relationship was my most memorable because I had it all. I had everything I ever wanted... a boyfriend I loved and who I thought loved me... I had a budding DJ career filled with promise... and then, one day, it was all gone. My boyfriend decided he couldn't see himself spending his life with me. I was broken that day, broken in a way that I just didn't know how to fix. 

It wasn't really his fault. He was 19 and unlike me I don’t think he had really given much thought about his future and how a long term relationship fit into it. But I was very lucky. He broke up with me in exactly the best way possible. He was honest, he never cheated and though it hurt me in a way I had never before or since been hurt, it was the best possible way someone could have broken up with me. It took me months to pick myself up from that but I was never the same. I almost had it... almost had my dream and losing it created a "crack" in me that only grew as the years went by. 

Relationships failed or never got off the ground. A few years later a new love broke my heart anew. A career, that seemed ready to shoot for the stars, fizzled and died. I lost friends I thought I would have forever... at the time I thought because of their own shortcomings but with hindsight I see it was more likely my own that drove them away. And with each negative event, romance/career related or not, the cracks grew and I splintered and bits of me started spilling out like sand from a cracked jar. 

In my mind the real world has become this place that I could never measure up to, a place I couldn’t cope with managing. In my head it’s a place filled with people, situations and events all designed to cause me pain. I believe this so much today that going outside or being around many people actually causes me distress. It’s a condition called agoraphobia and it comes complete with a lifetime supply of anxiety and panic attacks. I limit my excursions outside my home as much as possible, once a month or less. I have friends who make a concerted effort to keep in contact with me just to make sure I’m ok. I am fortunate to have a thriving online social network of family and friends who keep me “in the world” so to speak. 

So where am I now? Now I spend each day trying to find whatever distraction I can to keep my mind from wandering to unpleasant places. I find the state of the world affects me greatly, probably more than it should, especially the plight of gay people like myself. I try to laugh as often as I can find reason and I treasure my friends who make it easy to laugh. There are still vestiges of who I was all those years ago when I feel I was at my best. There's kindness left in me, a concern for others and the will to offer a shoulder or advice to them when they need it. There's still some creativity left... in fact if anything of the old me has flourished it's my imagination. It's all I have left really. I retreat into imaginary worlds where things work out for me in a variety of ways that could never happen for me now.

When I think of my life it’s like I've lived on many islands over the years. Periodically the ocean has risen and my island would shrink slowly but surely. Eventually my island would be gone and I'd be left floundering in the water just trying to stay afloat. Fortunately I have always managed to swim to a new island... though the new island would always be smaller, have less, be less than the one before. And this cycle of flooding and swimming to a new island would keep continuing throughout my life. My most pressing fear these days is that I'll run out of islands... or the will to make it to the next. I've accepted that I am never going to have my dream... but I am thankful for the things I do have. My mom, my family, my friends, my home.

So now that the condensed version of my life story is out there for the world to see I want to explain why I posted this. I'm not looking for pity. The last thing I want is to make anyone sad. My greatest pleasure these days comes from making others laugh. But I did want those who know me to understand why I've changed from the person they remember and I want those who don't know me to have a sense of the person who is writing this blog. I promised this blog would be a mix of serious and silly and next week I'll keep that promise with a more light-hearted post.